Problems on ME

I think a lot these days.
Trying hard to identify myself that very irregular.


Moody is very dominating on me.
sudden anger, not receiving, irritable, annoyed for no apparent reason, curt, denounced, explosive emotions . .
Yeah, it's just a few of the several hundred my strange attitude.

I'm a total clown.
you know? clown is always smiling. Don't care if he is sad, his lips always smiling broadly.
Yeah, same with me.

Although my mood always clearly readable, but my clown face can't escape from me. I'm a cheerful girl, though usually quiet and shy with new people.
But I'm a clown.
I can laugh when I'm sad. I could be cheerful even though I was upset. I'm a girl that good at pretending. Good at hiding tears. Be ignored at someone's circumstances, though I was paying attention to them. Said something on my lips, but said the others in my heart. Say yes, but no. Say no, but yes. 
I know. I also hate my f*ckin dishonest self. Lies always around me. Damn.


And I also realized something
You know what?
I never cried because of physical pain. I was always crying because of inner pain. Heart.


I never cried when I fell and hurt my knee. I never cry even though the blood pouring from my wound. 
but,
I always cry when scolded. I cried when I felt the injustice, which is usually associated with my brother.


but I'm so damn good at hiding it.


I never told my secret to anyone. Even to my best friend. Not a secret about who is my crush (but I also hide that lol XD). But another secret deeper.


I became very depressed about my family. Especially everything about my brother. My parents's attitudes to him and injustice inflicted on me is most of the reasons I cried. I know, I know, they instead to choose love. but that's just. . . Well that's it, it's pretty difficult to explain. Problem of the firstborn.




Never mind. I'll try to sort it all out.
Thanks for your time. Don't panic and worried with me. I'm just confused where I must to take it out.




:):):):):):)